Is there a difference between a learning opportunity or a failure when it comes to working with people?

Communication, collaboration, conflict management, decision making, risk-analysis, estimation and prioritization are equally important to technology to have a successful career. Yet working with people can sometimes feel like a hopeless cause. Do not give up. Here are some tips.

Have you considered the possibility that you can be one of the problems?

This question popped up on the Internet when I was seeking information that would help me deal with a particularly difficult client situation. It is posted under “Growth Mindset.” Sometimes the universe provides directions if we are willing to listen to it, so here are some thoughts.

What is your recurring thought that makes you think you have a problem with someone or a group? Mine is, “Why doesn’t this client include relationship building and conversation in their change strategy when I’ve given them so much evidence that they work?”

Questions that you can ask yourself:

• How do you react to your mistakes? Are you defensive about them or use them as a learning opportunity to get better?
• Do you apply the feedback that you get or simply ignore it?
• Do you seek criticism as a tool to get better?
• What’s your behavior towards others in the workplace? Do you try to take advantage of others? Do you demean them?
• Do you worry about employees that threaten you or challenge you to do better?
• Do you embrace new opportunities as a learning opportunity or avoid them with fear of failure?
• Do you spend time in building new skills or spend the same time blaming others for everything not going so well for you?

This is a lot to take in and consider when you are reeling from the emotional consequences of a perceived rejection. So step one is to try and step out of taking the situation personally.

As I review the questions some I feel pretty good about some such as the way I treat people and my ability to ask for critical feedback. Others don’t seem to apply to my present situation but they have in the past such as reacting defensively towards employees who have a lot of experience in my area of expertise.

I believe my biggest opportunity for growth is in learning to see setbacks as opportunities to learn. That would lower my stress and anxiety—the enemies of learning.

Strategy to promote growth mindset as a manager, consultant or teacher

Look at every failed pitch as a learning lesson. We can promote a growth mindset by choosing courage and clarity over fear and disconnection. So how can I move onto the next learning opportunity

• What caused this to not work? Shift from self-justification to self-awareness.
• What strategies can you employ to fix this situation?
• What has been your most valuable learning from this mistake or failure?
• Share your own mistakes and failures.

When others see you open up about your vulnerabilities they feel safe to reveal their own. This opens up a connection that allows for psychological safety, trust and open communication. “Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection. (Daring Greatly, Brene Brown)”

Perhaps if I share my experience it will encourage you to share yours. I am certain there is much to learn from each other.

What caused this not to work? Why do I feel unheard? The answer to this is based on the reality that I was disinvited from several meetings because there was a lack of budget to pay for my time. I interpreted this in two ways. One was that my input was not viewed as essential and secondly now I wouldn’t be an able to contribute the way I would want because I would no longer have the big picture of what was happening.

I view this as a failure on my part because I wasn’t able to communicate that my input was essential to the success of the initiative. Instead I was viewed as an outlier who tended to take things off course with my questions and concerns. Naturally everything is on a very tight timeline.

The great irony is that the initiative we were working on was how to make it psychologically safe for people to speak up and stop unsafe work. Nevertheless, based on years of effort, I was able to put aside my emotions and pursue a strategy of helpfulness. To do so I had to let go of the belief that my situation was unfair, that I should have been taken into account due to my experience and all of my publications. Since I could not let go of that belief because I believed it to be reality what I had to do please accept the situation, let go of was anger and resentment.

I decided to listen in on the meetings that were taking place online. I made it clear that I would not be charging for my time. Periodically I would offer observations on these calls, then I received feedback that my questions interrupted the informational process. This was very frustrating because one of my teaching points was that information is not communication unless it is accompanied by conversation. However when you have 11 people giving updates and they only have 55 minutes for everyone to speak, that is the definition of impossible.

Again I set aside my reactions, I’m getting so much better at this. And I asked for a one on one with the facilitator of the informational meeting. He is a very kind person who has to operate in these very strict structures. I made myself vulnerable to him by explaining what I was trying to do and he surprised me by asking if I was feeling constrained. I did not realize that this was a term commonly used in project management. Yes, I was a victim of budget constraint! That did not eliminate the fact that those constraints are based on perceived value. He could not do anything to change those circumstances so I had to continue to operate outside of the lines.

I really don’t know all the ins and outs of what happened after that conversation but one of the executive committee members that I had met on several occasions invited me out to lunch. I have yet to go to that meeting so I cannot tell you what will happen next yet. But I have a feeling that new connections might emerge stemming from making myself vulnerable.

Final tips for a Growth Mindset

• Each time you recognize an emotion, acknowledge it, and let it go, it grows your ability to be free from automatic responses.
• If you catch yourself, saying, “I just don’t know what to do to reach this person” just add the word yet to the end of the sentence. “I just don’t know what to say to reach this person, yet.”
• That feeling of “why is it so hard to communicate or deal with someone” is the feeling of your abilities growing.
• The point isn’t for you to be a perfect person. The point is to grow your understanding step by step, allow yourself to make mistakes and learn from them. What can you try next ?