This is an open letter to OHS advisors, all advisors, seeking greater success, peace and fulfillment in their work.

I have often heard OHS advisors talk about feeling disrespected and not seen. This is especially true of women, who wish there were some kind of intervention that would get those in power to listen. this delusion is what brings on mental exhaustion and burnout. These case studies are detailed in my 2024 book, OHS Voices from the Resistance. In that book I also expanded on the significance of advisors identifying with the helping profession. One of them is the difficulty of being an empathetic person in a material world. Here I want to share my latest thoughts for avoiding mental exhaustion and disappointment as an OHS advisor, all advisors. After 30 years of practice, I can vouch for what you are about to receive.

I have tried all the proposed solutions when trying to transform non-listeners into listeners. Using careful language, making sure not to offend. I have always tried to bring in research that shows a connection between what leaders do and the financial results. The solution isn’t to learn better communication techniques or to bring in more financial data. The solution is to withdraw and shift your focus from trying to get others to understand you to understanding yourself. That leads to finding your own voice.

Here are some of the insights from Carl Jung and others that resonated with me. We often project our own capacity for empathy onto others. If you are an empathetic person, you assume others possess the same internal depth. When they don't meet you halfway, you assume the fault lies in your delivery (not being clear or soft enough) rather than their capacity to hear you. According to Alice Miller empaths believe that if you just find the "perfect way to communicate, you will finally be safe or loved.

Jung said, “everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”

The part that’s hard to accept is that is what Jung said, “everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” In this context I’ve had to look at a hard truth. No amount of clarity in my communication is going to get someone to listen when they have committed to not changing. In fact they can’t change because they have a deep psychological commitment to being who they are. My new book, Unmasking Safety’s Myth of Individualism, attacks this head on by talking about the destructive nature of being “your own man.” (The use of “man” is intentional and includes all identities.) No doubt it will be misunderstood but it is truth.

Jung noted that true relationship requires two wholes meeting. If one person is refusing to do the inner work, the other person’s attempts at clearer speech are essentially an attempt to do the psychological work for both people.

"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances; if there is any reaction, both are transformed." The implication is that if the other person isn't transforming or reacting, the chemistry isn't there, no matter how much you change your communication. Miller argues that the other who doesn’t seek to understand is not actually listening to you; they are listening for how well you mirror them. No technique can make a person hear you if they are only capable of seeing themselves.

Miller argues that the other who doesn’t seek to understand is not actually listening to you;

Loneliness does not come from not having people around, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to us, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible. The empath feels lonely because their important things are inadmissible to the other person, regardless of how clearly, they are constructed.

Carl Rogers defined empathy as the ability to perceive the internal world of another as if it were your own, but without ever losing the as if quality.

Carl Rogers defined empathy as the ability to perceive the internal world of another as if it were your own, but without ever losing the as if quality. The empath often loses the as if. They work so hard to be understood that they cross the boundary into the other person's psyche, trying to fix the other person's lack of understanding. In so doing they lose themselves.

Rogers noted that the greatest barrier to communication is our natural tendency to evaluate and judge. When you speak to someone who is judgmental, they aren't hearing you, they are busy evaluating what you say against what they believe to be truth. The empath can fall into a similar trap. By seeking unconditional positive regard, they are also stuck in a state of evaluation and judgment.

The understanding you are looking for usually doesn't come from the other person finally getting it. It comes from what Jung called Individuation—the moment you stop trying to build a bridge to someone who isn't standing on the other side.

When you stop shaping your words for others, you finally start hearing your own voice. When an empath stops trying to shape their words to be understood, they shift from over-functioning for the relationship to protecting their own peace. To break the cycle of over-explaining and exhaustion, try moving from a pleading stance to a boundary stance.

JADE: a Boundary Setting Framework

Excerpt from Rosa's OKupcoming book Unmasking safety's myth of individualism, Rutledge.

A common tool used in clinical psychology to stop the cycle of softening and shaping is avoiding JADE. When you feel the urge to over-explain so someone will finally see you, remember that you do not need to:
* Justify
* Argue
* Defend
* Explain
If a person has already shown they are unwilling or unable to meet you halfway, providing more information or softer words gives them more material to pick apart.

JADE APPLICATIONS